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  The reality of our situation began to truly weigh heavy on us. What were we doing? Nothing good would come of this, and never knowing when we might get to see each other again was just too painful. He didn’t stay too long; I think reality had hit us both. We didn’t make plans to see each other again. That day felt like we were finally saying the goodbye we should have said a long time ago.

  I wanted to cry but no tears seemed to be left. I felt alone and so empty. I wished so much to be able to go back in time and fix things, but we just weren’t meant to be and the sooner I could accept that the sooner, maybe, I could have a real life and love again.

  I was an empty shell, going through the motions. I worked and went out with my friends or with Kyle. We still hadn’t made a true commitment to each other. I learned how to smile and laugh again, although on the inside my heart was still in pieces and they just hadn’t moved back into the right places. No one knew the pain I felt inside me, and nothing would ever be the same.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  1986 – Age 23

  The holidays came and went and I was able to put on a good show. We were now into a new year in which I had vowed I would find true love and happiness. I hadn’t seen or talked to Danny since November. I knew in my heart it was for the best, but I still found myself thinking of him and wondering what he was doing. I wondered, does he think of me too?

  Days and nights all blended together. Time showed no mercy. I did everything I could to find happiness. I began to wonder if there really was such a thing, and did it even exist for me anymore. I went to clubs and met some nice guys. I even dated a couple of them, only to find that they didn’t make my heart flutter or touch my soul the way I longed for.

  Kyle and I tried once again to make our relationship work, only to find that he still didn’t like being in a committed relationship. That shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me, yet somehow it did. I kept telling myself I had known him only a year less than Danny. If Danny wasn’t my forever love, maybe Kyle was the destiny that I really didn’t give a fair chance to. So, I opened my heart once again, only to find it broken. Maybe he didn’t want to commit to me, because he knew I still loved Danny. If so, I guess I couldn’t blame him.

  Halloween came and my cousin Debbie and I decided we were going to stay local that night. Debbie and I had been hanging out since we were little and I lived at my grandmother’s. We lost touch for a bit because of school, but now that we were older and drove, we could see each other whenever we wanted. Debbie was a couple years younger than me.

  We decided to go to a bar called Copperwaites. We hadn’t gone to this place too many times, but usually when we did it had a nice crowd.

  Debbie and I went to the bar to get some drinks. Two drunken, really grungy-looking guys kept staring at us.

  “Hey beautiful,” one of them said to Debbie.

  I hastily turned away, trying to hide my laughter. Debbie was beautiful—they did get that part right—but we were not about to hang out with drunken guys. She had gorgeous, long, light-brown hair and ocean-blue eyes. Guys always turned to watch her.

  Across the room, I saw a guy in a policeman’s uniform. I couldn’t stop staring at him. He had light brown hair with dark brown eyes and a body to die for. He was strikingly gorgeous, the type of guy you can’t stop staring out. “Check out the guy in the police costume over by the jukebox.”

  “He is really nice looking!” Debbie said. “His friend isn’t all that bad either.”

  We must have stared at him for an hour, then the friend of the one I liked came over and started talking to us. I didn’t notice where the other one had disappeared to, but I was hoping he would come over too.

  “Hi, my name is Ryan,” he said more to my cousin than to me,

  I was thankful he only looked at her, as I really liked his friend.

  “Hi!” Debbie responded, and her face lit up.

  “My friend Mike and I would like to buy you girls a drink,” he said. “He should be right back. He had to run to his car for a minute. What are you two drinking?”

  Instantly, I was watching the door, waiting for Mike to walk back in. I was praying that he would like me as much as I found myself liking him. “I’ll take a Long Island Iced Tea,” I spoke up.

  “I’ll take a Screwdriver,” Debbie told him.

  “Okay, I’ll be right back and by then, Mike should be back.” Ryan smiled and then walked away toward the bar.

  “Oh my god, I can’t believe we actually met the guys we picked out,” Debbie said, laughing.

  “I just hope Mike likes me; he is so good looking!”

  “Ryan is pretty good looking too! How cool would it be to date friends?” Debbie replied.

  “That would be way too cool. Let’s hope this works out for both of us,” I said as my eyes stayed glued to the door.

  Then he was there, walking toward me with a smile that warmed my body that had grown to be so cold.

  “Hey! I’m Mike! What are your names?”

  “I am Cassidy and this is my cousin Debbie,” I said, hoping I didn’t sound as overly anxious and flustered as I felt.

  “I know it sounds like a line, but do you come here often?” Mike laughed.

  “Yes, it sounds like a line,” I replied and laughed with him. “We really haven’t been here too many times.”

  “Do you live close to here?” Mike asked me.

  “I live in the next town but we usually go to places where we can dance, like Gadgets,” I told him as I prayed that he liked to dance too.

  “I live only a few blocks away from here. What do you do?” Mike asked.

  “I am an oral surgery assistant. What do you do, Mike?”

  “Well, I really am a police officer. Even though this is a Halloween costume, I’m a city policeman and fireman.”

  “My mom works for the Police Department. She’s the chief of police’s secretary,” I quickly stated.

  “Well Cassidy, looks like we were meant to meet!” He smiled.

  “It certainly looks that way to me, too.” I smiled back at him.

  I scanned the bar and saw Debbie and Ryan talking in a booth nearby. She looked happy and so did he, so I was glad that we both seemed to have met nice guys for a change.

  The rest of the night flew by so quickly. Mike and I didn’t seem to run out of conversation and also seemed to have a lot in common. When it was time to leave, they walked us to our car.

  “Silly question and I guess I should have asked earlier, but can I have your number?” Mike asked.

  “Of course, you can.”

  We exchanged numbers and said our goodbyes. He didn’t try to kiss me, nor did Ryan try to kiss Debbie. As we drove home we both couldn’t get over that this was the first time we actually met what we believed to be decent guys.

  Mike called me two days later. We talked on the phone for a couple of hours. He had to work that night, so he told me he would try to call me back if he could later.

  He did call me back and asked me to go out with him the following night. He couldn’t talk long since he was at work, but at least he wanted to go out. He told me to pick a movie that I would like to see and look up the times. He would call me during the day to set up what time he would pick me up.

  I decided that we would go see Stand by Me. The movie was scheduled to start at 8:00, so he picked me up at 7:30. It was playing at a theatre not far away, so we had plenty of time to get there. After the movie, we went to the Time Piece Café. It’s a really nice wine and cheese place, very quiet, and a perfect place to really talk. We talked for hours. We talked about everything. He told me that most girls were not looking for a commitment. That was news to me. I completely thought that it was the other way around, especially after Kyle. He referred to me as his girlfriend. I was on cloud nine. When we got back to my house after the café, we sat in his car and talked until three in the morning. I didn’t even know how we found so much to talk about, but we never seemed to run out of conversation. That night,
he kissed me for the first time. It was a great kiss goodnight and a perfect way to end a perfect date.

  Things seemed to be so simple with Mike. I felt like I’d known him so much longer. I was trying to take things slow, but—it was so hard when for the first time in so long, life seemed perfect.

  He picked me up again one day and we went to a restaurant named Gillie’s to watch the Islander hockey game. We left early since I had to work early the next day, but we wound up sitting in the car again in front of my house, talking until after three a.m.

  The next day unfortunately, we couldn’t see each other but we did talk on the phone for hours. He told me that he had never talked so much as he’d done with me the previous few days. He told me also that he bought us tickets to Saturday night’s hockey game. He even wanted to meet my parents when he picked me up. I thought I was dreaming. I found myself actually looking forward to Christmas for the first time in years. I tried to not think ahead and dream, but he just seemed perfect.

  Meeting my parents went so well and they seemed to really like him. My mom had no problems talking to him since she worked in a police station. My dad even seemed to get along well with him.

  We spent endless time together, days and nights sitting sometimes three hours in the car, just talking and sharing everything we loved and hated. He even opened up with me and told me that his mom was dying of cancer. I could feel his pain and cried along with him.

  We had begun to count our hours of talking. We were up to 55 hours. It started as a joke but we continued to count.

  One night he picked me up and we went Christmas shopping at the mall. Then we went back to my house and watched Gremlins. I rested my head on his shoulder and all felt right with the world. I could have fallen asleep, I was so comfortable. He didn’t leave until two in the morning and we hugged that night for the first time. I never believed that I could feel the security that I felt having his arms wrapped around me.

  Laying on my bed after he left, I didn’t know why, but I thought of Danny. How I wished that I had with him what I had with Mike. I wondered what he was doing and if I ever even crossed his mind any more. But I found that even though once in a while I thought of Danny, those times were getting farther and farther apart. My life had finally moved on and I realized that I could have happiness and love again. A piece of me would never forget Danny or what I shared with him, but I had wasted too much time not allowing myself to truly live.

  Debbie and Ryan had been getting along really well, too. It was like we were destined to find them that night. The four of us went out at least once a week and I couldn’t remember laughing so hard in such a long time.

  One night we went to the Time Piece Café again. We sat for hours talking about our feelings on marriage and how neither of us believed in divorce. How could that be? How, after such a short time, were we even having conversations like that? He was everything I always wanted and more. I believed someday, he would make a great husband and father.

  Mike started midnight shifts for the following two weeks, so it would be harder to see each other for a while, but I wasn’t worried. We would talk as much as we possibly could. I believed I had found Mr. Right and someday…I was going to marry him.

  ~* * * *~

  Mike was finally off the midnight shifts and I could see him! It seemed like forever since I had. Even though we talked every day, sometimes for hours at a time, I wanted to see him. We went to Copperwaites. Ryan and Debbie met us there.

  Ryan and Debbie had a table already, so I sat down and Ryan got up and went to the bar with Mike.

  “Cas, he loves you, holy shit, I can see it in his face!” Debbie shouted at me, in a nice way. “I wish Ryan was as gaga over me as Mike clearly is over you!”

  “I can’t believe it, I really can’t! We talk for hours and hours. We seem to believe in the same things, have the same dreams.”

  “Well, I am so jealous! You are going to marry him. Ryan told me even he has noticed a difference in Mike lately. Even he thinks this is it,” Debbie said with a hint of sadness.

  “Wow, so it’s not just me? I truly feel like I have gone to heaven. I never knew it could be like this. No fights. We are on the same page. I feel like I must be dreaming. It’s just all too good to be true, especially for me!”

  “Well, it is true, and I am so happy for you! I think Ryan and I will never be more than friends but we still have a great time hanging out,” Debbie remarked.

  The boys came back to the table and we obviously had to stop our chatter about them. The rest of the night was filled with laughter. Ryan had a really good sense of humor. I felt bad that things weren’t working out exactly as I hoped for him and my cousin. We stayed until the place closed. We said goodbye to Ryan and Debbie and got in the car.

  “If ten years from now, we can talk this much and feel this way, I think it would be like heaven,” Mike spoke softly.

  “I feel the same. I can’t believe it hasn’t even been a month, yet I feel like I have known you forever.”

  “That’s what happens when you talk to someone for how many hours now, a hundred?” he replied with a laugh.

  Words of love were not spoken, maybe out of fear from both of us since it seemed maybe too soon to believe it was love. I thought after that there was such a thing as love at first sight, but I didn’t say it. We sat in the car for four hours talking. It was after six in the morning when I finally made my way up the stairs to my room. We hated saying goodbye.

  On November 22nd, less than a month since we’d met, Mike said the magic words to me.

  “I have never felt this way before in my life! You are the best thing to ever happen to me. I love you,” Mike stated as he gazed deeply into my eyes.

  “I love you too! I have been dying to say that but wasn’t sure you felt the same,” I replied like a giddy teenager.

  “I’ve been wanting to say it for a long time now, but…wasn’t sure how you were going to feel if I said it too soon,” Mike admitted hesitantly.

  “No, we are completely on the same page here, thank God!” I replied in a relieved voice.

  He pulled me close to him, took me in his arms, and surrounded me in love and kisses. “I’m going to miss you until I see you again, you know that, right?” he whispered. “I really hate saying goodbye, it seems to get harder each time I see you.”

  “I know, now we have to go two days until we see each other again. Wish you didn’t have to work,” I teased him.

  “I’ll call you as soon as I get home each night,” he promised. “I’m sure we’ll wind up talking for hours, so the two days will go fast…Love you, just had to say it again, now that it’s out there.”

  The next two days did drag somewhat but he was right—our talking for hours each night did help the nights to at least go quickly, but the days at work seemed to drag.

  Then I finally got to see him.

  “I have a surprise for you,” he taunted with a huge grin on his face.

  “Tell me.”

  “We’re going into the city to see the Christmas tree and go on a horse and buggy ride.” His excitement was contagious.

  “Are you serious?”

  “Let’s go. I already have our train tickets.” He pulled the tickets out of his pocket.

  The night was beyond magical. The Christmas tree. The smells of chestnuts. All the stores decorated. Going on a horse and buggy ride. All of it was so amazing I didn’t want it to end. We found someone to take our picture for us in front of the tree. I looked at him and couldn’t imagine a life without him. I imagined my eyes were as bright as those Christmas tree lights we’d just seen.

  We spent the rest of December as inseparable as we could be, based on our jobs. We shopped and wrapped presents. We visited friends and family and went to Christmas parties. In such a short time, I felt as if my whole life had changed.

  Then we spent Christmas day at my house for dinner. My whole family loved him and had completely welcomed him. He gave me a bunch of Islander t
hings, leading me to think they were my only gifts. Later, when we were alone, he handed me a beautiful double-heart ring. We went to his house for dessert and spent some time with family. It had been such a wonderful Christmas and I truly didn’t want the day to end.

  ~* * * *~

  Mike worked New Year’s Eve, so I went out with Debbie and Ryan, and we met a bunch of other people at Copperwaites. It wasn’t very fun for me, like when Mike was around.

  Debbie pulled me aside as soon as Ryan was distracted with our other friends. “I have to tell you something and I don’t think you’re going to be happy when I do,” she whispered in a voice that scared me.

  “What does it have to do with?” I said as I got that sinking feeling in my stomach, wondering what on earth was wrong. So many things went running through my mind.

  “Mike told Ryan that you are smothering him,” Debbie said softly.

  “WHAT, are you serious? What the hell does that mean? I haven’t smothered him! We haven’t even had a fight. This makes no sense whatsoever. Are you sure that Ryan wasn’t just making this up?” I asked, convinced this was a mistake.

  “I don’t think Ryan would lie about something like that. I wasn’t supposed to say anything but you know I had to tell you.”

  “I just don’t get it, and what am I supposed to do now? If I say something, then Ryan will find out you told me and I don’t want to get you in trouble.” I was getting very upset but trying to hold it in.

  “Cas, you’re my cousin first and foremost. If you have to say something and Ryan gets mad at me then so be it. You are more important to me and I feel horrible about this. It doesn’t make sense to me either. I have seen you two together. I have seen the way he looks at you, I know he loves you.”